13 Feb The Prison of My Thinking
Yesterday morning I was a guest on Molly Gordon’s Wholeness Hangout. I was surprised that I didn’t feel anxious, public speaking used to be something that instilled terror in me. I was looking forward to the conversation with Molly, I find her awe inspiring, and was curious where her beautiful wisdom would take the conversation. I assumed she and I would have a mellow conversation with just a few viewers, so I didn’t prepare much, but I did spend a little time thinking about the branding work I’ve been involved with for so many years. Much to my surprise 25 people showed up! When I logged on and saw the size of the group, my thoughts attempted to incite an inner riot: “How could you have not prepared? What were you thinking? How could you be so lax? You need to show your expertise! Now you will sound like a flake and a fake!!”
It’s true, this was a larger audience, including a few experts in related fields, and not the intimate conversation I am so comfortable with. Luckily in that moment of doubt, I was able to turn the rudder of my little ship towards something clearer and wiser than that familiar prison of self-flagellation.
One of the things that is becoming more and more evident is the particular look and feel of the prison I create with my thinking. When I’m in a low mood, this prison feels completely real. Solid. Impenetrable. But I’m starting to recognize the walls when I bump up against them, old friends who appear out of nowhere to keep me in that familiar safe place of feeling less than. The prison that automatically assumes no one will show up for the hangout I’m a guest on, the prison that assumes I am unloved and unlovable, the prison that thinks what I have to share is irrelevant. But what if that prison is just an illusion, something so rickety it could easily topple over?